What she meant by sensitive

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Sensitive was never the first word she would use to describe herself.

She wasn’t sensitive by way of being easily offended. In fact, that was far from who she believes she is. She weighs the scales and considers before taking offense. Inside the factory of her brain, she creates a defense for both sides and the jury later decides what she should do and feel. Maybe this too is why her emotions take time to be realized. That includes, of course, anger and offense. So no, she wasn’t that kind of sensitive.

She wasn’t sensitive by way of being picky (unless it involved eggs, pork blood or seafood in the morning). Though there were things she hesitated about, she was never one to complain about doing things even if it was at her expense. Especially if it was out of love or professional pleasantries. With the little things, she’d relent, she was picky. But when it mattered, come hell or high water, she was getting in the mud.

She was sensitive, however, to change. Her brain was trained to see patterns and absorb data. It was designed to input everything around it and to make sense of all the information. Her brain knows the normal and learns about every detail of the normalcy. And of course, that meant she detected every slight change in the day to day routines.

That isn’t necessarily a bad thing though. Noticing the change allowed her to respond to it or to at least prepare for the effect it will have on her. Though being boxed did not sit well with her, changes drain her and activates her defense systems. She had to be ready. (Maybe this is why her head often goes off in alarm.)

But this also means that she drowns in her worries and gets drained in her silence. With all the information she’s taking in and analyzing, all the small changes she tries to make sense of and all the strategies she comes up with to prepare herself, she uses more energy than she actually has. And sometimes, even after all that effort, she ends up brooding over misinterpreted overthinking.

So she keeps quiet. Just in case it wasn’t the case, just in case she needed more evidence, she keeps quiet. She pretends to not see it, not know it, not feel it. She waits for the moment to pass, the change to become part of the normal and her heart to calm down. Simultaneously, she fills her head with weapons and band-aids, whatever she might need. That in itself was a strategy that came natural to her. (Though admittedly, it didn’t always work.)

It wasn’t just change that she detected. She noticed conflicts, interest, emotions and thoughts – all the irregularities, novelties and outliers. All of these brew in her head and consume her energy. And it wasn’t just the information she derives from the environment, sometimes it was the sensations as well.

She learned to turn it off. She had to because there were days that it was too much to analyze everything and understand what they meant. But it would never be totally gone. Even if her interpretations weren’t wrong, they weren’t completely unfounded. They came from observations, details she took note of. One way or another, it would lead to some sort of result.

Having said all that, there are a handful of things she does thank her kind of sensitivity for. For one, her sensitivity allows her to memorize people and take care of them. She can learn about the inside and outside of a person if she puts an effort into doing so. That would then help her detect the mood, needs and hidden grievances of that person and  decide on the best way to support. It also meant being able to show love in the language that person would appreciate.

Her kind of sensitive, when it’s working for a kind purpose, enhances the compassion, concern, care and love that she gives.

So yes, she is sensitive, in both the good and bad essence of the word. Understanding and accepting this, only leads to better self-awareness.

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