Of having have left

lvx

Photo grabbed from: Vince D.

A year ago, I wrote “The curious case of leaving”, detailing how I felt during graduation and the LAVOXA send-off. There, I told myself that:

I may not be in a good place right now but I know that I’ll get somewhere someday.

Somewhere, after a year, turned out to be on Sir Jun’s roof top, celebrating his attorney-hood with Lavoxans of different generations. Despite initial hesitations about going, I came to congratulate him for achieving his goal and for just being an awesome human being, really. Also, it was the perfect excuse to meet up with Lavoxans and other friends.

In a mix of familiar and new people, I felt less overwhelmed than I would’ve been a year ago. I wasn’t fretting about silence and having no one to talk to (because, bottom line,  I really just wanted to be a part of this moment). More importantly, despite being a potato, I have learned to give in to urges of wanting to see people whenever I have the chance to do so. Perhaps, I have grown up.

Note to self: Missing them could just mean missing them, not distance or rules of separation.

Other than being a little more carefree, there’s a lot that changed about me – both good and bad. The good include this new sense of self-love and assertiveness that I found inside me. The bad include parts I’ve left stagnant and parts I lost.

I admitted it before, there are parts of myself that I may have unconsciously traded away for learning experiences, but at least, now, these missing pieces are currently being healed and filled with a new kind of magic. So right now, I’m happier and I know more of myself.

Status: Healing and Happy.

After a long while, I finally felt like I’m doing something right again. For so long, I’ve been so down about life, getting through days just because I had to. I’d almost forgotten how it felt to do good, to care about people, to pin your heart on your sleeve without worrying that it’ll be slashed into pieces.

It seems that, even though I’m still not 100% percent sure about where I want my life to go, I’m at a place where I’m meant to be. And this place, is not a safe haven where I can hide until I feel better, instead, it’s a home where I can challenge myself and rediscover the “Pauline Navarro” that’s been slumbering for months. I recognize myself now.

God, I’m just so thankful!

A year ago, I couldn’t even imagine how I would be able to go, survive. Now, I can look back on the experiences I’ve had so far and thank them for the lessons they taught me. It’s just unbelievable how after being so lost back then, I’m here now with direction and heart still full of hope.

Maybe, this piggy really has taken flight.

 

Advertisements

Notions on Destiny

Aside

a recent painting I did

I’ve been believing in destiny for as long as I could remember. To me, it’s a sign that God and the universe are listening and that something is working in my life. 

Say for example, if I were to find a milktea stall in an unlikely occasion, especially when I was craving for milktea the whole day, instead of simply buying milktea on the way to school, I’d feel more happy and magical. 

But I’ve questioned destiny before. If things were destined to be, then how can we still say that we have a sense of freedom? Does destiny negate free will? Are we slaves to our destiny? (I’ve addressed this through the natural law, but that’s for another post.)

Today, I’ve questioned it again. A situation prompted me to ask if believing in destiny makes me a passive decision-maker. I wondered, does relying on things working themselves out mean that I’m just too lazy or scared to do things myself?

I’d like to believe that I’ve never used destiny as an excuse to get away from something before. I associate it to magic and religion so it’s somehow more of a principle thing than a conscious decision thing for me. 

Well, except for maybe when it comes to the things I like. The more I like something or someone, the more rewarding it would be to get it because I was meant to. (I’m not saying that I freeload on come what may. I just like it what I see invisible connections leading to success, as if I was meant to succeed beforehand.)

An example would be deliberately sitting beside someone I like. I’d rather be in a situation where there’s no other chair so I’d feel like I was meant to go there. Is that weird? Or I’m really just a person that doesn’t want to actively want for myself?

I don’t know. I just really don’t see destiny as a mechanism to get something I like. It’s not meant to do anything. I just establishes a magical connection and an assurance that my life is running a certain track.

Maybe I’m talking about two different issues here.

There’s really no conclusion for this issue yet. At the moment, my belief still stands, that I believe in destiny. Whether it’s making me passive or not will still be determined by further introspection.