Uprooted vs. Branching Out

My family, the weekend they brought me back to Manila

This is a weird sense of change. After overthinking and internally panicking, I realize that I’m actually doing well. 

Uproot (v.) – to pull (a plant and its root) completely out of the ground; to remove (something) completely; to make someone leave home and move to a different place [Merriam-Webster]

Last week, I was silently bearing the weight of all the changes I had to suddenly adjust to. I knew, of course, that this was going to be my life at some point but being thrust upon the Manila jungle was no joke. Everything happened so fast.

I tried to set universals, my routine. I tried to find logic in whatever I was doing. It was to keep me sane. And, by acting independently, I somehow convinced myself that I was in control. (Spoiler: it didn’t feel as good as I imagined.)

Don’t be a potato, Pollen. I was getting increasingly confident with Makati and work, yes, but I always needed to put up a facade of strength and it was only when I went back to Lipa for the weekends that I realized how tiring that was. I was drained and even if people were nice to me back in the office and around generally, I dreaded going back.

Uprooted, that’s what I felt happened to me. I felt like I was unfairly plucked out of my serene carefree life. It made me helpless, tired and somehow, at the pit of my stomach, really angry at the unkown.

Branch out (v.) – to grow; to spread

Right now, I finally feel like this is where I’m supposed be right now. I’m growing increasingly sure of my steps and I talk a little louder. Everything is stil changing and the ropes would take time getting used to but strange as it is, in a span of three days, I have found comfort. 

It’s weird, I know. How can I say this so early? Aren’t I jinxing my luck?

Honestly, things have only gone wrong in my head. Nothing concrete has slapped me in the face yet. Things are good, not perfect but good. And it’s only the sense of impending doom is paralyzing me.

I just wish things would keep going up from here. I wish this isn’t a mistake to declare to the world that I’m okay. I wish I can keep learning like this, with my heart now calm and eager.

Branching out, I realize, is what I’m doing now. I’m exploring, shaking legs, sweaty hands and all; nonetheless, I’m getting somewhere. I may not know where I’ll get from here but my foot is out and I’m following the sun.

This change is weird, but it’s starting to feel good.

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