I am more scared of feelings than of falling off the edge.

Turn the tap off, Pollen.

Today, I went out through the window of the office and sat by the ledge, five floors away from the ground. Friends helped me do it.

The view wasn’t much different from when I merely peered outside. Rust-colored roofs and the familiar view of the road I crossed whenever going to school revealed themselves before me. The bakery’s store sign in green, yellow and red stood out from the landscape. A babysitter rocked a toddler on a far away balcony to my right. Cars and pedestrians kept moving and contradicted the stillness of sun, which didn’t set as fast as I hoped it would.  It was a sight that I knew wasn’t enough to indulge in and mull over and over.

But, feet pressing on rough concrete as I sat on them, I was much closer to everything and the sky seemed more real than how it was usually portrayed in movies. It made me want to fly. It made me feel like I could.

And the air, though it was thin and slightly chilly and not enough for my lungs, was complimented by the warmth gushing out of the air-conditioning unit humming beside me. I was out of breathe but alive.

I was taking everything in and everything overwhelmed me.

What made it a moment was the moment and the magic of what taking that risk meant. It meant ticking an item of bucketlist, which meant a step closer to saying goodbye. It meant outgrowing my old self and being brave and being fearless in a sense. And it meant remembering how it felt one night in Vigan, sitting at the balcony overlooking the street across the hotel I was staying in, when I commemorated the last press conference I attended even before it was over.

I was outside again, somewhere high and I felt as invincible as I shouldn’t be. The world felt real and wonderful at the same time. The clouds were made of cotton and they warmed my heart. But the more I caught my breath feeling those good things, I remembered having to leave them behind. I remembered leaving them behind because I had to keep moving at some point.

I love too much and this, they’ll never know.


The Rules of Happy Crushing

Hearing my sister say it, I immediately believed that it was possible – happy crushing, the concept of liking someone without the emotional baggage of being rejected or expecting something to happen. She used it to describe her feelings towards a senior org-mate whom she admired for being adorably awkward. They don’t see each other often but that doesn’t matter, because when she does see him, it makes her day and when he’s gone, he’s gone.


But, of course, anything lifting such great burden must have a catch. For happy crushing it’s this – you’d only be able to achieve the full effect when you follow its rules.


1) Keep the label at bay.

Remember, he’s only a happy crush in your head. It doesn’t have to mean anything. It doesn’t necessarily connect the two of you. It doesn’t even have to be used when referring to him. The label wasn’t made to give you any ideas.

2) Don’t tell anyone. Don’t even say it out loud.

When you declare that you like someone verbally, you’re more likely to grow fond of the person and of the feeling he invokes. Saying it makes it real. Sharing the knowledge makes it worse. It means that you’re asking for support about the matter and you’re getting way too attached for your own good.

3) Activate the feelings only when he is there.

What makes happy crushing work is its convenient feature that allows you to feel butterflies only in moments when your object of affection’s there. This lessens stress that can be induced by PEOt or post-experience overthinking. That’s if you get this rule right.

4) Don’t allow anything to linger.

When he’s gone, let him be. Don’t replay the moment over and over in your head. Don’t imagine any other scenarios that could happen when you meet again. And control your heart to stop liking him when he isn’t around.

5) Don’t ask about object of affection’s current relationship status.

For one, whether he’s single or taken, it shouldn’t matter. You aren’t looking for anything long term anyway. He’s an inspiration that cheers you up when you see him and that’s that. Knowing whether he has someone could hurt you and if it does hurt you, well honey, he might not just be a happy crush after all and that’s too complicated to discuss here.

6) Don’t stalk, and even check object of affection’s SNS profiles.

Close his Facebook profile because you don’t need any more reasons to like him. Superficial information is good; you don’t have to get too close. And don’t try to be at the same places he goes to, because there shouldn’t be a need to see him all the time.

7) Don’t invest on anything.

Scrap keepsakes. You don’t have to remember how it goes, how it feels like. Don’t do anything to make it permanent. Don’t think too much. Just let things happen; you don’t have to give anything up for him, to change your routine for him.

8) And if you’re a writer, don’t write about him.

No, he doesn’t have to be immortalized.


Get those right and the road to happy crushing will be a smooth sail. No worries indeed. 🙂